The Round Table at Cafe' Tanstaafl

2006-10-11T03:17:00.000+05:30

Yours Truly Virginal

Disclaimer: Highly offensive in nature. People with heightened senses of propriety, please refrain from reading further.

Ladies, sluts and whores…welcome to the workshop. This workshop is a one stop shop for dealing with all your ethical dilemmas and moral transgressions. This class is definitely worth the money that you shelled out. I am the Holy Father (no….not the usual dirty kind who sucks on young peckers) who will listen to your dirty little secrets, check out the skeletons in the cupboards and give you unconditional absolution. I will intercede with the cosmos on your behalf and find out the answer to the most damning question of them all, “Am I still a virgin?”. This question has troubled women's hearts since the dawn of civilization. I have just published a post doctoral dissertation at the University of Cunninglus, Choothshire on this topic and I am not just a SME (Subject Matter Expert) but also the moral and legal authority on this burning issue.

During the course of my dissertation, I have interviewed some pretty little things and asked them deeply philosophical and thought provoking questions to help me answer the most damning question of them all. Some of the questions were…Did u kiss him on his….lips or pecker?...did you hold his….hand or his dick in your hand? Based on the interviews, empirical evidence, data mining and complex data modeling, I have decided that women can be broadly divided into two categories based on their piercings. Nope…I am not talking about belly button piercing, you silly cows, I am talking about if you have been pierced in your pussies. Let us articulate a very simple and easy to remember rule: Women who have had penises thrust into their pussies are NOT virgins. I repeat….women who had their pussies inserted with dicks at any point in their lives are NOT virgins. It’s an undemanding, scientific and clinically approved method of segregation between virgins and non-virgins. Yes, I can see some hands going up and I congratulate them on their quick thinking and pointing out the legal loophole in my statement. Ladies…stop arguing with me and get this straight…a penis is a penis is a penis. It doesn’t matter if it was just once and you were puke drunk and didn’t feel ‘it’ sliding in. It doesn’t matter that it was with your life companion, little Caesar, your Alsatian. According to Ecumenical Holy Roman court ruling in 348 AD in the case ‘Valeria Messalina Vs Holy Roman Empire’, an insertion by a prick would be ruled as a case for declaring ‘Non-virginity’.

Women, please use this simple rule to judge yourself and can I please request all non-virgins to get up and come in the front? Thank you….you bloody theiving sluts…I can’t believe that you actually paid money to come to my class to find out if you are still virgins after having dicks inserted inside till your bellybuttons. If I wasn’t ordained as a Holy Father, I would have kicked you on your unholy crotches and thrown you out of my classroom.

I apologize for the outburst. I hate hypocrites and liars. Let us come back to the pressing question which is bothering our horny little ‘eager-to-be-declared-virgin’ broads. They have a simple open and shut case here. They have a very persuasive case here. Their contention is that they have made out with men but have not done ‘IT’. The emphasis is on ‘IT’. And since they have not done ‘IT’, they are still virgins. Period. Case closed. A very powerful and a very compelling argument that would make even Perry Mason stand up in standing ovation. (Applause) Let me elucidate here a bit more. These women have had everything from pencils, fingers to penises inserted into each and every crevice and hole possible but they have not…. I repeat…. not had a dick up their pussy. These are women who had a penis up their mouths, ears, nostril, bellybutton, ass and what ever crevice your dirty perverted sick mind can think of but never did they allow themselves to be sullied or made impure by having a dick in their pussies. These are women with a heightened sense of conscience, blessed with highly disciplined upbringing and born into traditional, conservative families and would go to great lengths to save their virginity. When boxed into uncomfortable situations, they would even willingly give you a blowjob, handjob and any 'you-name-it' job just to avoid violation of that holy land. A little digression….all those men who love a blowjob, please raise your hands. Even though the jobs done on me were few and far between, I would any day sell my soul to the devil for just one more session. In fact, I would want to die with my dick in a horny little angel’s mouth. Of course if the slut dies with my dick in its mouth then ‘God save the world’. But anyways…coming back to the issue….should we be heartless and cruel and brand these pure, ‘innocent at heart and pussy’ angels as non-virgins and move on in life or should we take a break from our capitalistic, commoditized corporate lives and give these poor unwanted souls some consideration which they have rightfully earned? People, citizens of the world, kind souls….think. Think coz a soul’s respect and honor hang in balance. I, the purest of the pure and gentlest of the souls, reserve my verdict till the Judgment Day and I urge the world at large to do the same and let these soulful, angelic virgin sluts be.
Peace Out .

P.S: Dedicated to a woman whom I have had the pleasure of knowing in the past few weeks. She has officially been declared by the UN world Heritage as 'The Oldest Living Virgin in Indian Standard Time Zone'. She is all of 25 and still a virgin. She still can’t get over the fact that people give her dirty looks. My sympathies with her and me, as a perfect gentleman, have assured her that it can be cured and at once offered my services. Missy, I think you are a wonderful woman full of life and humor.

2006-10-07T01:09:00.000+05:30

Meat, PETA and Nudity...

I am a strict non-veggie. I don't let any grass make my food impure...I mean I do eat potatoes, beans and other stuff but I need to have non-veg definitely in every meal or snack that I have. I have absolutely no problem with vegetarians, I personally think they are delicious...the ones that bug me are the ones that won't eat at a table with people gobbling chunks of blood dripping meat...these Mickeys who think they are the suave and sophisticated coz they have only salad, milk and cheese (btw, since when is milk and cheese veggie food. I never saw a milk pool or a cheese tree in my life...did ya?). Another completely inaccurate and stupid observation that I have come across (as I always do) is that it is predominantly humans with pussies (yes....I have a flair for doing / saying things that attract attention :)) who are vegans.

I remember sitting at a dinner table and having meat after having prayed for the poor lil lamb's soul when this hot lil thing with big udders comes and sits across and makes a 'Yeoowww' sound and says 'How can you be so mean and eat animals?" I had my mouth full of tender lamb meat and I don't think she understood my reply coz it came out garbled but my answer to her was this, " Hey Big hooters Chiquita, even you would have been a hard core non-vegetarian if you had tasted my meat just once" :))) I don't think the blonde understood, good for me coz her boyfriend Jimmy Fuckface was sitting right there a lil drunk and in a combative mood.

Is it true that vegans are much more relaxed and gentler compared to non-vegans? At least one vegan told me this while asking me to go easy on the chicks, he thought I was having way too much pussy....neways, if they are so gentle and so kicked up in life becoz of getting all the nutrients through green grass, how come I came across these comments left by a few vegans with anger management problems on a website which had posted a few jokes on vegans...chk the comments out...

1. Why can't you make carnivore jokes and leaves us alone!!!!
2. yeh right i am a vegetarian and this site is a load of bollocks! U people suck that bumper sticker that sed 'save a cow, eat a vegetarian' woz gay!!!!! [Thanks for being homophobic, too] i hate u people u can’t accept peoples beliefs!!!!go 2 hell!!! lotz of love and kisses salxxx
3. you say vegetarians are blah blah blah! we can't help that we made the smarter choice while you stuff your face and hopefully die a slow and painful death. the more and more you talk the faster you'll die. this however is for anyone who's been talkin' junk! I'll see you all in HELL! [um, doesn't that imply that you'll be there too?]
4. i just want to say that all your jokes are f**ckin lame. go get a hobby, please! there is nothing funny about joking about eating the flesh of a slaughtered animal. you people make me sick. i hope you choke on your own words. meat is murder. A.L.F bitch and you best be believing f**kface!
5. This is really stupid. Stop making shit out of people with hearts You have the WORST fucking jokes on your shitty website. THEY ARE SO GODDAMN STUPID!
6. What is so wrong with people that want animal rights? You need to get a life... Animal rights....whoa...someone really needs to get a life here)
7. F**k you guys. It's not that controversial of an issue. Some people like eating carcass, while on the other hand, some don't. get over it.
8. I think you idiots dont know what y'all are talking about... I am a vegetarian and I didn't find any of these jokes funny! The real joke is is that someone let y'all come and humiliate yourselves. The joke is on y'all!

Since these angry vegans were not exactly making a very good case for eating grass and not exactly coming across apostles of peace, they came up with this brilliantly brilliant organization called PETA (People for the ethical treatment of animals) to convince non-vegans to give up their violent behaviors towards animals and to start directing their anger only towards other stupid humans with feelings. To be honest, animal lovers have been around much longer than the original PETA (People for the ethical treatment of animals), that's why they have formed their own new and improved PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals). Motto: We love animals - let's exchange recipes!

Neways...as I was saying PETA has contributed to the civilization more than the Renaissance movement or the Reformation. If renaissance and reformation were responsible for opening up people's hearts and minds towards embracing the new and the unknown and ushered in an age of knowledge out of the dark middle ages, PETA has done much more...it has brought busty, beautiful, sexy, lusty NUDE women out into the open...PETA brought those women to your bedrooms, bathrooms. These ads are fantastic as print ads coz you can take the magazine into the potty and either you can crap and have an intellectual masturbation by reading the economic news or you can have an actual masturbation by cumming all over the magazine. Did ya guys see all those PETA ads with Pamela Anderson, Traci Bingham and a host of other celebrity sluts with lengthy and brilliantly designed essential pieces of clothing like say....a hanky covering their titties and pussies at the same time. Brilliant...absofuckinlutely brilliant pieces of art....

Check out this link for some really good ads....

http://www.peta.org/feat/pinup/desktop.html

Btw...PETA announced on Friday in a press release from the Gwanza Lion Preserve in Kenya the start of their new environmental program to convert lions from meat eaters to vegans. When asked to comment on how the lions found the animal activists, local Preserve Director Hotswala Goniff responded "Delicious."

P.S: Some of my best friends are vegans and they are damn neat buggers and I don't think it has anything to do with the fact of they being vegans. But neways, I was just in a mean mood...I seem to be getting meaner these days, I just wake up in a really crappy mood everyday these days. No offense meant to any living or dead vegan

2006-10-02T10:40:00.000+05:30

YEEEHAAAWWWWW

Fellow Sex Gods and other lesser mortals… let me first begin by apologizing for the unforgivable lapse in not updating the blog in such a long time. Lemme give you the reason….as one of the ardent followers of the blog pointed out in the ‘Confession Box’, we happen to be not only the most fertile brains in the country but we also happen to be continuously inundated with calls from femmes throwing themselves at our feet and begging us to gratify their smoldering volcanic hot lusts. They supplicate us to sow our seeds in them and make them holy and being the ever obliging knight errant, none of us can say ever NO to the sex starving femmes. This is the main reason for not updating the blog and it doesn’t happen to be that we are just plain lazy bums who just shag, eat, shag, sleep and shag again as pointed out by some sleazy tabloids.

But the most important thing of all…please bow your heads in silent reverence for a departed soul…a martyr who fought a good fight and whose name will be written in the echelons of LOL history in golden words…men, I mourn the demise of a great warrior…Vijaysimha Reddy or Chinka as we LOLians know him as. Every great war, every great cause demands some sacrifices and Chinka made the ultimate sacrifice when he took the decision to march bravely into the enemy camp. He has decided to take the war to the enemy camp….yes, my men…he has decided to get married.

Lemme start by giving you a general update…life has thrown a few ‘surprise’ bombs at me as life is wont to do even to the most intelligent amongst us. Have you ever felt that you were standing at the edge of a railway track and you see a train passing before you at breakneck speeds and you are just dazed and stupefied looking at the high speed resolution pictures? What would you expect your thoughts to be if every passenger in every carriage was you? How would you feel if you saw your life playing out itself in front of your very eyes and all you can do is scream your head with impotent fury while being completely stupefied at your helplessness? It’s almost like you get handpicked out of a billion participants to be the lucky guy whose prize is one night of wild oral sex with Pamela Anderson and you discover that Pam Lee had a dick growing up as a kid. It’s a sad joke but I had to crack one before I dragged myself into a morass of self pity and this is the best that I could do. This pretty much sums up my life in the last 14 months.

Well…lemme give you some more dope on my life…General ‘life’ has been happening in my life with some ass pounding work thrown in liberal doses by my sporting, opportunistic, blatantly capitalistic, sadistic bosses at my work place (By the way, I’ve to confess that I am working my butt off to be a boss myself. Did you just say ‘Best of Luck’?...Thanks a lot). As usual, the enemy camp has been trying deviously and sneakily to break the ‘Brotherhood of SexGods’ by sending lusciously beautiful Delilahs with bright silky satin skin, creamy lips and wild curls but my brethren…Lose not either ‘heart’ or ‘hard on’ coz the Sex Gods have triumphed. We stand like the Norse Gods, in triumph, at the gates of Valhalla. About nine or ten months back, one such Delilah entered my life. She has been sneaked into my life by the enemy camp to prove that the Founding President of the Knights is also not above the charms of a syrupy sweet, devilishly charming wild curled woman. But me being as cunning as BlackAdder who happened to be as cunning as a fox that has just been appointed as the Professor of Cunning at the Cunninglus University, I knew from the beginning that she was from the enemy camp and I did a very cunninglus…oops cunning thing…I promptly fell in love with her just to throw her off the track. Damn cunning it was of me, I must confess. I generally went about proclaiming my undying love for her and that I would die for her just so that she wouldn’t suspect that I suspect her to be a suspicious character from the enemy camp. I thought about for long and came up with the devious idea of marrying her and bring her into our fold so that we can cock a finger at the enemy camp and show that we are above the charms of vile seductresses. She was promptly taken aback at my vile plan....she screamed, cursed and and decided to scoot as fast as Bugs Bunny runs when Elmer is after it with a battle tank. I once again patted myself on my back and marveled at my intelligence. Another enemy plan thwarted….another soul saved from eternal damnation. Even though I gloated and bloated thinking about my cunning plan, I must confess that this was the first time that I felt sorry for the enemy. There is a little pain somewhere…..like a cork stuck in my throat….

To put it shortly...my whole life is like a Jewish porno movie....10% sex and 90% guilt...

But my men….the chronicles of LOL will start again with renewed focus…keep watching this space for more ….

- TAMPEE

2005-11-16T19:11:00.000+05:30

Knowing Soya

The Inscrutable Soya

I must admit I didn't think much of Soya the first time I laid my eyes on him (The start, though not too apt as I had no special reason to "lay my eyes" on Soya nor was there anything so extraordinary about his manner or countenance or aspect that could catch my eye, has been chosen as a tribute to that haunting voice of Morgan Freeman's in "Shawshank Redemption" which with its firmness and conviction despite being agonizingly nostalgic almost defies the ephemerality of human memory). Its something about his face. He has these sleepy, stoned-out eyes well-placed on his stolid landscape which makes it impossible for the eager and impatient face-reader to get any sort of cues about his disposition. Trust me when I say that I pride myself at figuring out people with unnatural ease and precision within the first 5 minutes of their society but with Soya I have had little success even after 2 years which is actually rather commendable. It took a lot of picking and pickling, prodding and nudging. Quoting Shawshank Redemption again, like Red says, all it takes is pressure and time. Pressure and Time.

Soya's Paranoia

A bashful deer, you take a step closer and he jumps two away from you. A touch-me-not plant, you reach for him and he rolls himself up in a neat looking ball. He life - his bed, the daily crossword, his daily quart of sauce, Gold Flake Kingsize, his favourite pornstar and a select few people who have managed to convince him with repeated assurances that they would just hover around him and wouldnt dare to do anything to disturb the constancy of his existence. Apparently, he has gotten into his mind that getting emotional and talking about it indicates the highest levels of impotency and spinelessness. Very true if you ask me though I have a long record of expressing myself unashamedly and crawling like a spineless worm. Though I agree that being candid with your emotions can be extremely humiliating at times, I think it doesnt really matter because neither do people have such lasting memories nor do they have the time to recall and mock at your maudlin self but Soya does not believe in taking chances. Inspite of all this his shield did get breached once. Ofcourse, by a lady. To our great surprise and bewilderment, she not only managed to keep him out in the open but also cuddled upto him and got him all wet and soggy. It was a good try for it was not long before Soya realizing his fall, pulled himself together and promptly asked the female to pack her bags and leave. He is a bit cruel that way.

A style called Soya

You look at Soya and it is almost as if he screams back the word "hangover" at you. Weary eyes, half-shut. Drooping shoulders. The Nascent tummy just big enough to hide the buckle of his belt. A bovine gait. But dont be mistaken by this sullen, feeble, emasculated impression that he throws upon you for behind this gauche exterior he hides his super-energetic, cunning, graceful and flamboyant self. It is only during those wonder moments in frisbee or football or badminton when he flicks the ball with his backheel or fakes a smash to execute a perfect drop does he exhibit his flair and natural elegance. It is then that you see a style; a groove called Soya.

Soya, Bacchu Kharghosh

For once i was blind, now i can see! - Soya's face and aspect leads you from one discovery to another. The first time you look at his face you dont quite find anything special about it. Then one day, despite the receding hair line and bloodshot eyes, you find that there is something child-like about his countenance. You start working on the thought and figure that it has got something to do with the way his upper lip curls. The thought dwells. The next time you start thinking that it has got to do with his eyes. May be the way he looks hither and tither. And then suddenly, he smiles. You catch the smile and instantly jump lists. From the list of people who see Soya as just-another-face to the list of people who see Soya as a sweet cute kid. Everytime he jumps in jubiliation after cracking a particularly tough crossie clue or throws his hands up in the air after executing a ingeniously cunning return on the baddy court you find yourself looking at him rather amusedly saying to yourself, "It is so sad that he smiles so rarely".

I think I'm getting a little senti and almost romantic so I'll just end this here.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart!! :P

2005-10-28T17:39:00.000+05:30

The Stone Whisperer

He looks at a stone.
He scans for a sign; a contour ebbing.
He can barely discern the form entombed in it.
An effulgent radiance only to be seen as a dull glow
on the outside.

He places his palm on its cold exterior.
He searches for the pulse. Yes! A faint throb.
Of the shackled life inside, struggling for freedom.
Seething passions of a burning soul only to be felt as a tepid spot
on the outside.

He caresses it, feeling its scabby epidermis.
He places his ears on its breast, in anticipation.
He can hear a faint sob. A whisper too hard to read.
Tearful cries of gratitude and love to be heard as a faint whine
on the outside.

He picks up his chisel and hammer.
Bit by bit, he breaks open its cast.
Shard by shard, he dissolves the millions years of its captivity.
The creator becoming one with the creation, yet unnoticed
on the outside.

- Moosi

2005-10-11T20:56:00.000+05:30

When Genius Failed

"In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth" Genesis(1:1)

It was a good start. The master painter had just wet his brush. Shades of liquid, flowing blue and solid, granular brown covered his canvas. The foundation was laid. It was time to haul his bricks on it.

"And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good" Genesis(1:10)

"And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good" Genesis(1:12)

Brilliant!! With one circular stroke of his brush, He defined Life: a self-perpetuating system of existence.

Circle. What does a circle mean to us?

For us humans, its either one or both or all of the following: A Tit, A Gulab Jamun or Nothing. But for God, it was a theme, it was a dream and it was the meaning of life. Anything that is a part of his creation goes through its a circle which is its own. its individual circle of life. This microcircle is in turn part of a secondary circle which consitutes of millions of microcircles which interact at a primary level. And this secondary circle is a part of the tertiary circle which is the assemblage of a legion of such secondary cirlces. This complex, intricately-entwined, live mesh of circles was the essence of God's creation.

"And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good" Genesis(1:21)
"And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good"

God beamed and smiled at what he saw. He was enormously proud of what he had created. But like a true artist, who after having poured out his mind and body into his peice of work, he reckoned his creation to be a part of him. It was something that he couldnt separate himself from. But he knew that it was time to let go. It was time to cut out this rose out of his flesh. It was time to complete the circle of creation.

"And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.And God saw that it was good." Genesis(1:26)

So all was well with the world. Adam filled himself up quite regularly with all kinds of fruits and vegetables and what not that God's garden had offered him. He discovered things by the moment. He spent his days being fascinated by the things around him and getting acquainted with the beasts and birds around him. In short, he was having a really good time rolling about in the park and God was happy for him.

As days passed by, God saw that Adam was spending more of his time throwing small rocks in ponds and watching the ripples or trying to devise newer ways to consume his fruits and vegetables and whatnot. God also saw that there was a marked difference between the wide-mouthed, gasping and gulping Adam of the earlier days and a sealed-lip, weary-eyed and sulky Adam of now. Though God was offended because of the speed with which Adam had come to be indifferent of his myriad creations, He felt sorry for him. He got back to his design table. He slashed and cut through his canvas in a frenzy. His hand moved as if it had a life of its own. He was more driven by a desire to prove to man the magnetism of His creation than by a genuine intent to cure Adam's boredom. In this frenetic urge to create His magnum opus, God crossed the limits that He had set for himself. His curves grew dangerously acute. In a madrush to surpass himself He picked up the most enticing of ingredients: skin from the ripest of fruits, scents from the most fragrant of flowers, plumage of the most beautiful of birds, ripples from the water, softness of the clouds, freshness from the dew and so on. And then, He created the Woman. Little did He know then that He had created such a dimwit who, with one foolish act, would poison the center and the essence of His circle of creation: Man. Little did He know that He was making a irreversible mistake for which He would have to regret for eternity. That was the day. Woman set her foot on Earth.

There she was standing by a tree with a flower in her hand clinging to it like an ivy. A rustle that he hadnt heard before, a scent that he hadnt smelt before, he stops midway in his stone-throwing action and looks around. God was watching too. He couldn't miss this for anything at all. Eyes and mouth react almost at the same time opening themselves to the widest possible extent and he instinctively puts the small rock in his hand into his mouth and swallows it. Feet rooted to the spot, he just stands there making loud breathing noises. God, vicariously affected, couldnt help feeling ashamed at the singularly idiotic way man was reacting to the sight of a woman though he was heartily congratulating himself for having created something that would fascinate and entice man for eternity. He thought he had solved his problem.

As time passed by, Adam and Eve got on rather well together. All other birds and beasts, to their surprise and envy, were pushed to the background. Adam spent all his time walking in the park with eve, resting under a tree with eve, listening to eve, eating with eve and so on and so forth. All this walking and talking and eating and all that, though it was nice, was making Eve a little restless for attention and adventure and then one day she wandered deep into the garden looking for A and A....

"1.Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden? 2: And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: 3: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. 4: And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: 5: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. 6: And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat" (Genesis 3:5)

Not only did Eve sin, but she was not content until she had enticed Adam to also sin. We read, "…and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat" (Genesis 3: 6)
"Sin and sinners always want company" (I Peter 4: 4)

".. she saw that the tree was good for food and that it was pleasant to the eye.." Yeah! wasnt it? And why? Werent there fruits and trees in Eden which were equally good and pleasant to the eye? Oh, but they werent forbidden, were they? But this one was and woman desires the forbidden. She has an insatiable thirst for the proscribed. An innate will to taste the untasted. (When Eve answered the serpent) she showed that she doubted and had little faith in the word of God. All this is indicated by the etymology of the word; for Femina (Latin for "woman") comes from Fe (=faith) and Minus (=less) since she is ever weaker to hold and preserve the faith.

Well, God was piqued beyond doubt. Piqued would be a very mild word here. He was plainly ashamed for having created such vacillating, spineless, unbelieving, slavering idiot like woman. He had to make whatever amends he could because he reckoned that the posish had definitely gone beyond repair. He unleashed his wrath onto the sinner and the sinner's idiot lover by casting a curse on them which would be a burden that the world would carry until the end.

God has pronounced sentence in these words:

"Thy will shall be subject to thy husband, and he shall bear dominion over thee. Forasmuch as you have abused your former condition, and because your free will has brought yourself and mankind into the bondage of Satan, I therefore will bring you in bondage to man. For where before your obedience should have been voluntary, now it shall be by constraint and by necessity; and that because you have deceived your man, you shall therefore be no longer mistress over your own appetites, over your own will or desires. For in you there is neither reason nor discretion which are able to moderate your affections, and therefore they shall be subject to the desire of your man. He shall be lord and governor, not only over your body, but even over your appetites and will." (Genesis 3:16)

This sentence, I say, did God pronounce against Eve and her daughters, as the rest of the scriptures do evidently witness. So that no woman can ever presume to reign above man. They are both reprimanded by God, who says to Eve: “I will multiply your pains in childbirth. You shall give birth to your children in pain. You will long for your husband, but he will lord it over you.” (Genesis 3:17-19) ]

And why do you think there are more superstitious women found than men? Why do you think women are so averse and uncooperative to scientific reasoning. Its simply because they are more credulous; and since the chief aim of the devil is to corrupt faith, he attacks the female. So women are naturally more impressionable, and more ready to receive the influence of anything that they find exciting and amusing. Women have an extremely deep and purple wicked streak in their souls. For you see in Genesis xxi. how impatient and envious Sarah was of Hagar when she conceived: how jealous Rachel was of Leah because she had no children (Genesis xxx): and how Miriam (Numbers xii) murmured and spoke ill of Moses and how Martha was jealous of Mary Magdalen, because she was busy and Mary was sitting down (S. Luke x). Meaning that it is useless to consult with a woman, since there is always jealousy, that is, envy, in a wicked woman. And if women behave thus to each other, how much more will they do so to men.

"I had rather dwell with a lion and a dragon than to keep house with a wicked woman. All wickedness is but little to the wickedness of a woman." Ecclesiasticus

Another dimension which adds to the vile, depraved and iniquitous nature of the woman is that female by nature is more carnal than man. Sin of flesh being the most forbidden of all sins, the female finds it particularly alluring. All evil that the female perpetrates proceeds from lust, which is in women insatiable. And it should be noted that there was a defect in the formation of the first woman, since she was formed from a bent rib, that is, a rib of the breast, which is bent as it were in a contrary direction to a man. And since through this defect she is an imperfect animal, she always deceives.

Cato says "When a woman weeps she weaves snares. And again: When a woman weeps, she labours to deceive a man. And this is shown by Samson’s wife, who coaxed him to tell her the riddle he had propounded to the Philistines, and told them the answer, and so deceived him. And it is clear in the case of the first woman that she had little faith; for when the serpent asked why they did not eat of every tree in Paradise, she answered: Of every tree, etc. —lest perchance we die. Thereby she showed that she doubted, and had little faith in the word of God."

Let us consider also her gait, speech, habit and how she dresses herself in which is vanity of vanities. There is no man in the world who studies himself so hard to please anybody or anything as even an ordinary woman studies by her vanities to please men.

Women are evil, my men, and by reason of their lacking authority or power over us, they scheme treacherously how they might entice us to themselves by means of their looks. And whomever they cannot enchant by their appearance they conquer by a stratagem. Indeed, the angel of the Lord told me and instructed me that women are more easily overcome by the spirit of promiscuity than are men. They contrive in their hearts against men, then by decking themselves out they lead men's mind astray, by a look they implant their poison, and finally in the act itself they take them captive. For a woman is not able to coerce a man overtly, but by a harlot's manner she accomplishes her villainy ... ...

.........for what else is woman but a foe to friendship, an unescapable punishment, a necessary evil, a natural temptation, a desirable calamity, a domestic danger, a delectable detriment, a sweet poison, a diabolic child, a snapdragon, painted with fair colours.

2005-10-05T15:01:00.000+05:30

Girls, Bugs and other Degenerate Forms of Life...

Calvin is one of those prodigies, inspite of living life vicariously, who has realized very early in life about the frailties and infirmities of the weaker sex. But the ossum thing about Calvin is that he empathizes with them which shows deep wisdom and great strength of character. I bow to thee…O great enlightened one

Well, some of the quotes by Calvin about the weaker sex are as follows:

Girls and Bugs -- I imagine girls and bugs have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it.
-- Calvin
Girls Go On Living -- It must be awful to be a girl. I'm sure it's frustrating knowing that men are bigger, stronger and better at abstract thought than women. Really, if you are a girl, what would make you go on living?
-- Calvin

2005-09-19T20:03:00.000+05:30

My First Love: The Cigarette

Down in the ditch, I twist and turn.
A question makes my innards churn.
For what reason I foolishly spurn'd,
a friend who unflinchingly burn'd.

Its your touch. And your smell.
I miss you so much I cannot tell.
I know that you always wished me well,
but a fool that I was, I bid you farewell.

I repent in a manner no slight,
for having brushed you out of my sight.
Now, without you I'm not sure if I might,
see the light of this cold winter night.

-Moosi

2005-09-16T19:25:00.000+05:30

Mr. Pervert and Miss Bumling

A pair in sight
So shapely, so tight
They are a superglue sticker on my eyes
And a pair to stalk
No matter how long I walk
It's hardly demanding of you to oblige.

But you turn and scoff
Ripping that sticker off
And order me to walk by your side
Then the pair that swirl
I hear them giggling like girls
So I take a quick little peek behind.

I find you staring in rage
Time I put a smile on my face
And say "Thou are the love of my life"
You turn to walk up the dust
Shaking you head in disgust
You know, the lust can't be explained to the naive

The pair so soft
That you've been holding aloft
So I say "Let us sit for a while"
I order two coffees from the stand
And start playing with your hand
I dont know why you've been hiding that smile

Later you talk and talk
I wish we could get back and walk
I pretend I'm listening, but not quite.
For there's a pair to hold
You know, I can be that bold
But am saving it up for the night.

-Soya

2005-09-14T00:48:00.000+05:30

Rebirth

I was walking along a road.
Without an end in sight, I strode.
I was looking for a place to rest.
A tree of love to build my nest.

And then,

One day, I took a fateful turn.
A path of roses and fresh fern,
into a beautiful land of dreams,
of scented breeze and gentle streams.

I danced to the song of a thrush,
my face etched with a perennial blush.
"I have found my tree of love",
I cried, from the topmost bough.

I revelled in its sights; its smells and sounds,
like a child's mind which knows no bounds.
So smitten was I b'yond reason or sense,
for in it I saw the meaning of my existence.

And then,

One day, after much gleeful play,
tired and spent, into slumber, I slipped away.
The paradise was engraved so in my mind,
I could see it even though i was blind.

I woke up to get back to my life so sweet,
but found no one but shock and sorrow to greet.
No sign of thrushes; the streams gone dry.
From Elysium to a wilderness dotted with cacti.

I tore across the desert like a crazed man,
searching for my garden on the sandy span.
In despair I closed my eyes in a silent plea,
and lo! I found my paradise staring back at me.

So attached was I to this mental oasis,
that I closed my eyes and settled into a stasis.
A born martyr, I happily embraced this malady,
to find solace in my mind from the bitter reality.

Burnt and broken by the elements, bit by bit,
I held on, trying to escape the truth of it.
For a love unanswered, unrealized and vain,
I set out looking for pleasure in pure pain.

And then,

Slowly, I started losing my picture in a mist,
like grains of sand slipping through a tight fist.
Now, my canvas is clean. As white as lime,
for what is mind? A slate in the hands of a child called Time.

It is time to open my eyes to the world outside,
to face the facts and to stop trying to hide.
The moment has come to moult and mould,
to pave a new path, to find a new foothold.

-Moosi

2005-09-12T11:40:00.000+05:30

The Gods Have Awakened

“Thus spake Zarathustra” starts with Nietzsche proclaiming from the mountaintop that God is Dead. Moosi aka Lol_Badshah in his own inimitable style has given a kick in the butt to Nietzsche and sounded the bugle with a call from the ramparts of heavens that “The Gods have woken up” in his introductory piece. He has sounded the clarion call for arms. The armies have been lined up, strategies drawn up, pieces of artillery placed tactically and its time to declare WARRRRRRR!!! All you guys out there must surely be wondering about the importance of this blog or you could be conjuring up an even more meta-physical question of “Why have the Gods woken up?”

First let me put in perspective our transformation from mere bumbling idiotic mortals (drooling at the mere mention of ‘potti’ (‘potti’ is chick in Hyderabadi lingo, carrying their lunch dabba back home for them while listening to their stupid droll, salivating from the corners of our mouths while talking about the hot chick who got a tattoo on her back) into “THE GODS”.

This elite club took shape while in the throes of multiple orgasms borne out of intellectual masturbations while eating oodles of hakka noodles at Café Tanstaafl in the hallowed portals of prick-infested brickhouse. Yes, as you have guessed rightly by now, we are a bunch of “we-know-it all- coz-we’ve- been- to-the-P-I.BH” types.:)) The motto of this club is to hit the womankind with a tsunami of sperm. The aim of this club is to bring about a deluge of titties and pussies galore on men. Women!! go hide yourself in crevices, dig pits to hide but the tsunami is going to hit you eventually, so you might as well come out and spread, :)) Well neways, the story unfolds like this….It was a dark stormy night….hmmm, lemme digress a bit here. Do you fellas know that “It was a dark stormy night” has been voted as the wursht opening line of a novel ever and there is even an award instituted to select the worst opening line of a novel every year? Well neways, the legend has it that five men of men used to get together every night to eat oodles of hakka noodles and discuss fundamentally philosophical questions like, “Can Wolverine beat The Hulk and if yes then in how many rounds?” or even political issues like, “Can Beavis and Butthead be better presidents than Bush Sr and Bush Jr?” We used to debate, rant and rave like propah English gentlemen and never come to a conclusion. We followed some very strict rules like in any other GDs..We had rules like “no gouging out eyes with fingers”, “no hitting at balls with baseball bats or anything long, thick and made with wood” (we had to change the rule and add metal too after one of us used a long, metal rod and quoted our constitution and escaped punishment through a legal loophole). After such intense concussions, I mean discussions, we came to the conclusion that instead of dabbling in petty issues like morality, philosophy and life, we should marshal our intensely potent thoughts into formulating a philosophy which addresses the very fundamental question of “How to live Life like a MAN?”

So after long confabulations involving intense concussions and discussions, we unanimously decided that women are responsible for all the ills of the world. Why do you think they named the hurricane that hit New Orleans as ‘Katrina’ and not as some ‘Hurricane Peter’? Think, think. We have taken it up on ourselves to rescue MEN from eternal damnation from WOMEN. We are the vigilantes with a death wish and we are here to save. We decided that we are not gong to take anymore of this feministic crap from women who think that ‘Beijing’, ‘Cooking’ and ‘Fucking’ are cities in China. We have designated ourselves as Gods and decided that we have the moral right and authority to save men from becoming pusillanimous dickheads who blubber their way around like they have been hit by a 10,000 watt electric shock whenever they see a PYHT (PYHT – Pretty Young Hot Thing) in a white small skimpy top with pink bra halters showing, miniscully mini brown skirt, leather boots to boot and flashing a belly-button ring….slurrrrp slurrrrp….all this description has turned me into a blubbering idiot now, ;). Can somebody tell me where to find such PYHTs? Tampee…CONCENTRATE….Ok…boys, u get the idea, I guess? If a PYHT can turn a God into a whimpering puppy running around its mistress’s legs then imagine how much saving you guys need from, so that you can escape the impending intergalactic apocalypse in your lives. Its time to take stock if men are being turned into zombies by wild vile seductresses (puhllleeez, somebody gimme the address of atleast one vile seductress, I am desperate to turn into a whimpering puppy) and if they are being turned into puppies then its time to turn around and growl like Panthers…become MCPs…male Chauvinistic PANTHERS. Grrrrrr!!!

Since the enemy has been identified and the battle lines drawn, let me give you my first Sermon on the Mount (Hail the Sex Messiahs!!). Ok, before I start my sermon, lemme ask you an intelligent question (remember, I am from IIM A, all my questions are supposed to be intelligent). What is the dirtiest four letter word in the history of mankind? I know it’s hard but thinnkkk….wogay, lemme give you a hint here…think dirty. Dammit…it’s not FUCK…FUCK is the most beautiful word in the lexicon (The other Gods will someday give you fundaes about Fuck). Guys, you will never learn if you don’t start thinking dirrrty. Wogay…here is the answer… its LOVE.

Cardinal Rule Number One: NEVER EVER FALL IN LOVE

Let me give you an analogy here, falling in love is like digging a six feet deep pit, pouring manure in it, lying in the pit and covering yourself and then patting yourself on the back about what a wonderful thing you have done. Period. (Periods…uh..huh..huh..huh…now you know why they call me Tampee)

Falling in love is like getting a lobotomy done and then getting a Britannica Encyclopedia as a parting gift from the hospital.

Riddle me this….why would anybody want to fall in love? Why should you fall in love to get a woman? When you are in love, life flies by you like a series of discordant images at such breakneck speeds that it makes linear sane thoughts impossible. Why would anybody want to be in such a position?

Cm’mon guys, help me out here…I definitely know it’s a cardinal sin to fall in love but I can’t seem to think of more reasons here. I know it’s written in the constitution of LOL that we are not supposed to fall in love and we are just gonna blindly follow it.
Do lemme know if you more reasons NOT to fall in love, sounds good?

Cardinal Rule Number Two: GET LAID OR GET LOST

Take a printout of this rule in huge fonts, fonts as big as Pam Anderson’s titties and paste it on your bedroom walls. There is no tomorrow, tomorrow is for losers, its today. Turn yourself into a walking chickmagnet leaving behind heaps of women trailing behind you in torment, lust and heat. Zorro…yes, be like Zorro…leave your mark in thick milky white blotches where ever you go. Guys, I am being Al Pacino in ‘Any Given Sunday’, don’t take me literally and end up jerking off where ever you go so that you can leave your mark behind. That’s not what I mean. I am talking about marking the women you have touched in your life.

Think about it this way…”Every minute that a broad spends outside of your bed is a waste of time.” Time management is a funda that is thrown as freely as crap by any self-respecting “I know everything, I am gonna help you live your life” self-help writing authors. We gotta give these dimwits some credit here…time management is a crucial funda when it comes to getting laid. Now don those war paints, put on your rocketship Jockey Boxers, give a blood curdling war cry (when I say blood curdling, I mean blood curdling enough to stop even Chumms, hehe, gurls…I know now what Chums means…a lil cute fairy told me just a few days back) and get as many scalps as you can (btw, during all this excitement, please don’t forget to steer your steed to the chemist’s once to pick up the required rubbers)

(Guys, get back to me if you need more fundaes on this second rule)

More cardinal Rules to follow….and more of our strategies to defeat the enemy will be talked, enunciated and explored right here on this blog….

Guys, before I sign of for today, remember this simple little thing….Woman has been declared the enemy but we have to sleep with the enemy to win. So be a bit careful while handling them and treat them fairly and squarely. Remember that we are not supposed to stoop to the level of the enemy and mete to them the same treatment that they would reserve for us if we happen to become Prisoners of Love…oops, I mean War.

2005-09-09T16:01:00.000+05:30

Unseen, Unsaid, Unmet. Period.

She didn't say a word
And I have been knocking at the door,
Only to ask her 'why?'.
I know she is in there;
Still she won't say a word.

She hasn't heard me cry
And I have been weeping all night,
Only to shed my fears.
I know she is my shield;
Still she won't hear me at all.

She can't let me go
And I have been living for her,
Only to be in her dreams.
I know she is acting asleep;
Still she won't let me in.

She isn't the one to blame
And I have been cursing myself,
Only to purge in love.
I know she is my sun;
Still she won't show me the light.

I thought I heard her move
And I have been staring at the door,
Only for a turn of knob.
I know she is waiting too;
Still waiting that I give up.

-Soya

2005-09-06T22:21:00.000+05:30

Get Laid Or Get Lost

History is witness to the fact that anybody who wanted to be heard had to speak. I'm sure physics also has some explanation for this theory. But you may ask why one would want to speak instead of just shutting the fuck up. This question, valid as it may seem, can be posed only to drivelling mortals but not to Gods. Think about it. Can you imagine the degree of chaos that the world would be in now if only Mahomet or Jesus or Buddha had not spotted the flaw in this question and decided to shut themselves up in their shacks and murmured in low voices.

To list a few repercussions,

one-fourth of the world's population would be jobless
people would have no clue when to do their shopping
there would be no holidays except for weekends
India's GDP would have dropped by 50%

Well, the list is endless but I guess you get an idea of the criticality of spreading Godspeak. So listen up for the Gods speaketh here.

Providence, shamefully, it seems is like a hindi movie villain in its modus operandi. I wouldn't dare try and elaborate on all the inanities exhibited by a shakaal or mogambo for want of paper and ink but there is one particular habit of this evil genius which is worth a lot of praise: This guy could have reduced his family into a neat row of sheekh kebabs or he could have sons who are also his brothers and nephews but inspite of his monstrosity one can't help admiring his meticulousness when it comes to maintaining records. Be it an incestous rape or a complex lobotomy performed on his brother, he records it. That too, painstakingly, with the document embellished with photographs and souvenirs and what not and the way he manages to fit these documents which probably cover over a thousand rapes and a few hundred killings into a neat looking office file is just magical. And then, this life's compendium of achievements, this portable crime muesuem is traded by a starry-eyed, big-busted, dumbfuck secretary of his with a smart and sophisicated Hero in return for a moment's orgasm. It is not too late before he realizes how his senses have been numbed after being totally surrounded by female breasts. And then he gets out of his titty world and faces this setback in style by smoothly kidnapping the Hero's mom and sis who invariably turn out to be these frail, helpless and extremely vocal creatures. I dont know whether its the lingering boob-effect or its the boring job of waiting for the Hero to ram into his hide-out with a motorcycle or truck but this is where our crime-master starts behaving like a hollowed-out jaybird. Now, this part is important because the commonality that I was referring to between providence and shaakaal/mogambo starts here. Instead of keeping it simple by just having the hostages' heads at gunpoint and blowing their brains out at the Hero's arrival, he arranges for pits filled with acid and crocodiles and what not and keeps these two air-fisting, ear-blasting ladies suspended by ropes which in turn are fastened to a highly redundant and roundabout mechanical trigger which can only be operated by specially trained monkeys. It is almost unbelievable that somebody with such vast experience in snatching life and virginity can conceive of something which is so plainly nonsensical. Sadly for our villain this is where his commonality with providence ends. While providence is busy pulling the curtain across its work saying "viola!", our man here finds himself between the jaws of one of his pet crocodiles looking like a complete idiot. The reason why I had to write all this rot on the behaviour of providence is because LOL or the League of the Lovelorn was incidentally the result of an orgasm that providence had at the climax of one of its longwinded contrivances.

Five guys. From five different cities. With five different pasts. Wearing 5 different brands of underwear were brought together through a snarled mesh of events woven by providence during one of its particularly puerile fits. Chinka, Guchie, Moosi, Soya, Tampee - the five presiding deities of the LOL Temple, each with flesh and blood drawn out of the essence of everything that is masculine and aphrodisiacal are the only living Gods of Sex operating in this universe. It would have done a lot of good to this legion of lovesick lasses, all moaning and wailing in heat, if only providence hadn't played this stupid game with them and expedited the inception of LOL by cutting all that roundabout crap. Keeping this in mind, the LOL has launched a program something on the lines of Blitzkrieg which is going to sweep across the earths in the form of a mammoth wave of sperm quenching the thirst of every lady who is willing and wailing. We have opened this virtual interface with Jane.Q to spread the word. To announce the "coming" of the LOL. So keep Looking.

Long Live LOL.