Yours Truly Virginal
Disclaimer: Highly offensive in nature. People with heightened senses of propriety, please refrain from reading further.
Ladies, sluts and whores…welcome to the workshop. This workshop is a one stop shop for dealing with all your ethical dilemmas and moral transgressions. This class is definitely worth the money that you shelled out. I am the Holy Father (no….not the usual dirty kind who sucks on young peckers) who will listen to your dirty little secrets, check out the skeletons in the cupboards and give you unconditional absolution. I will intercede with the cosmos on your behalf and find out the answer to the most damning question of them all, “Am I still a virgin?”. This question has troubled women's hearts since the dawn of civilization. I have just published a post doctoral dissertation at the University of Cunninglus, Choothshire on this topic and I am not just a SME (Subject Matter Expert) but also the moral and legal authority on this burning issue.
During the course of my dissertation, I have interviewed some pretty little things and asked them deeply philosophical and thought provoking questions to help me answer the most damning question of them all. Some of the questions were…Did u kiss him on his….lips or pecker?...did you hold his….hand or his dick in your hand? Based on the interviews, empirical evidence, data mining and complex data modeling, I have decided that women can be broadly divided into two categories based on their piercings. Nope…I am not talking about belly button piercing, you silly cows, I am talking about if you have been pierced in your pussies. Let us articulate a very simple and easy to remember rule: Women who have had penises thrust into their pussies are NOT virgins. I repeat….women who had their pussies inserted with dicks at any point in their lives are NOT virgins. It’s an undemanding, scientific and clinically approved method of segregation between virgins and non-virgins. Yes, I can see some hands going up and I congratulate them on their quick thinking and pointing out the legal loophole in my statement. Ladies…stop arguing with me and get this straight…a penis is a penis is a penis. It doesn’t matter if it was just once and you were puke drunk and didn’t feel ‘it’ sliding in. It doesn’t matter that it was with your life companion, little Caesar, your Alsatian. According to Ecumenical Holy Roman court ruling in 348 AD in the case ‘Valeria Messalina Vs Holy Roman Empire’, an insertion by a prick would be ruled as a case for declaring ‘Non-virginity’.
Women, please use this simple rule to judge yourself and can I please request all non-virgins to get up and come in the front? Thank you….you bloody theiving sluts…I can’t believe that you actually paid money to come to my class to find out if you are still virgins after having dicks inserted inside till your bellybuttons. If I wasn’t ordained as a Holy Father, I would have kicked you on your unholy crotches and thrown you out of my classroom.
I apologize for the outburst. I hate hypocrites and liars. Let us come back to the pressing question which is bothering our horny little ‘eager-to-be-declared-virgin’ broads. They have a simple open and shut case here. They have a very persuasive case here. Their contention is that they have made out with men but have not done ‘IT’. The emphasis is on ‘IT’. And since they have not done ‘IT’, they are still virgins. Period. Case closed. A very powerful and a very compelling argument that would make even Perry Mason stand up in standing ovation. (Applause) Let me elucidate here a bit more. These women have had everything from pencils, fingers to penises inserted into each and every crevice and hole possible but they have not…. I repeat…. not had a dick up their pussy. These are women who had a penis up their mouths, ears, nostril, bellybutton, ass and what ever crevice your dirty perverted sick mind can think of but never did they allow themselves to be sullied or made impure by having a dick in their pussies. These are women with a heightened sense of conscience, blessed with highly disciplined upbringing and born into traditional, conservative families and would go to great lengths to save their virginity. When boxed into uncomfortable situations, they would even willingly give you a blowjob, handjob and any 'you-name-it' job just to avoid violation of that holy land. A little digression….all those men who love a blowjob, please raise your hands. Even though the jobs done on me were few and far between, I would any day sell my soul to the devil for just one more session. In fact, I would want to die with my dick in a horny little angel’s mouth. Of course if the slut dies with my dick in its mouth then ‘God save the world’. But anyways…coming back to the issue….should we be heartless and cruel and brand these pure, ‘innocent at heart and pussy’ angels as non-virgins and move on in life or should we take a break from our capitalistic, commoditized corporate lives and give these poor unwanted souls some consideration which they have rightfully earned? People, citizens of the world, kind souls….think. Think coz a soul’s respect and honor hang in balance. I, the purest of the pure and gentlest of the souls, reserve my verdict till the Judgment Day and I urge the world at large to do the same and let these soulful, angelic virgin sluts be.
Peace Out .
During the course of my dissertation, I have interviewed some pretty little things and asked them deeply philosophical and thought provoking questions to help me answer the most damning question of them all. Some of the questions were…Did u kiss him on his….lips or pecker?...did you hold his….hand or his dick in your hand? Based on the interviews, empirical evidence, data mining and complex data modeling, I have decided that women can be broadly divided into two categories based on their piercings. Nope…I am not talking about belly button piercing, you silly cows, I am talking about if you have been pierced in your pussies. Let us articulate a very simple and easy to remember rule: Women who have had penises thrust into their pussies are NOT virgins. I repeat….women who had their pussies inserted with dicks at any point in their lives are NOT virgins. It’s an undemanding, scientific and clinically approved method of segregation between virgins and non-virgins. Yes, I can see some hands going up and I congratulate them on their quick thinking and pointing out the legal loophole in my statement. Ladies…stop arguing with me and get this straight…a penis is a penis is a penis. It doesn’t matter if it was just once and you were puke drunk and didn’t feel ‘it’ sliding in. It doesn’t matter that it was with your life companion, little Caesar, your Alsatian. According to Ecumenical Holy Roman court ruling in 348 AD in the case ‘Valeria Messalina Vs Holy Roman Empire’, an insertion by a prick would be ruled as a case for declaring ‘Non-virginity’.
Women, please use this simple rule to judge yourself and can I please request all non-virgins to get up and come in the front? Thank you….you bloody theiving sluts…I can’t believe that you actually paid money to come to my class to find out if you are still virgins after having dicks inserted inside till your bellybuttons. If I wasn’t ordained as a Holy Father, I would have kicked you on your unholy crotches and thrown you out of my classroom.
I apologize for the outburst. I hate hypocrites and liars. Let us come back to the pressing question which is bothering our horny little ‘eager-to-be-declared-virgin’ broads. They have a simple open and shut case here. They have a very persuasive case here. Their contention is that they have made out with men but have not done ‘IT’. The emphasis is on ‘IT’. And since they have not done ‘IT’, they are still virgins. Period. Case closed. A very powerful and a very compelling argument that would make even Perry Mason stand up in standing ovation. (Applause) Let me elucidate here a bit more. These women have had everything from pencils, fingers to penises inserted into each and every crevice and hole possible but they have not…. I repeat…. not had a dick up their pussy. These are women who had a penis up their mouths, ears, nostril, bellybutton, ass and what ever crevice your dirty perverted sick mind can think of but never did they allow themselves to be sullied or made impure by having a dick in their pussies. These are women with a heightened sense of conscience, blessed with highly disciplined upbringing and born into traditional, conservative families and would go to great lengths to save their virginity. When boxed into uncomfortable situations, they would even willingly give you a blowjob, handjob and any 'you-name-it' job just to avoid violation of that holy land. A little digression….all those men who love a blowjob, please raise your hands. Even though the jobs done on me were few and far between, I would any day sell my soul to the devil for just one more session. In fact, I would want to die with my dick in a horny little angel’s mouth. Of course if the slut dies with my dick in its mouth then ‘God save the world’. But anyways…coming back to the issue….should we be heartless and cruel and brand these pure, ‘innocent at heart and pussy’ angels as non-virgins and move on in life or should we take a break from our capitalistic, commoditized corporate lives and give these poor unwanted souls some consideration which they have rightfully earned? People, citizens of the world, kind souls….think. Think coz a soul’s respect and honor hang in balance. I, the purest of the pure and gentlest of the souls, reserve my verdict till the Judgment Day and I urge the world at large to do the same and let these soulful, angelic virgin sluts be.
Peace Out .
P.S: Dedicated to a woman whom I have had the pleasure of knowing in the past few weeks. She has officially been declared by the UN world Heritage as 'The Oldest Living Virgin in Indian Standard Time Zone'. She is all of 25 and still a virgin. She still can’t get over the fact that people give her dirty looks. My sympathies with her and me, as a perfect gentleman, have assured her that it can be cured and at once offered my services. Missy, I think you are a wonderful woman full of life and humor.
posted by Lol_Tampee at 3:17 AM
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