The Gods Have Awakened

“Thus spake Zarathustra” starts with Nietzsche proclaiming from the mountaintop that God is Dead. Moosi aka Lol_Badshah in his own inimitable style has given a kick in the butt to Nietzsche and sounded the bugle with a call from the ramparts of heavens that “The Gods have woken up” in his introductory piece. He has sounded the clarion call for arms. The armies have been lined up, strategies drawn up, pieces of artillery placed tactically and its time to declare WARRRRRRR!!! All you guys out there must surely be wondering about the importance of this blog or you could be conjuring up an even more meta-physical question of “Why have the Gods woken up?”

First let me put in perspective our transformation from mere bumbling idiotic mortals (drooling at the mere mention of ‘potti’ (‘potti’ is chick in Hyderabadi lingo, carrying their lunch dabba back home for them while listening to their stupid droll, salivating from the corners of our mouths while talking about the hot chick who got a tattoo on her back) into “THE GODS”.

This elite club took shape while in the throes of multiple orgasms borne out of intellectual masturbations while eating oodles of hakka noodles at Café Tanstaafl in the hallowed portals of prick-infested brickhouse. Yes, as you have guessed rightly by now, we are a bunch of “we-know-it all- coz-we’ve- been- to-the-P-I.BH” types.:)) The motto of this club is to hit the womankind with a tsunami of sperm. The aim of this club is to bring about a deluge of titties and pussies galore on men. Women!! go hide yourself in crevices, dig pits to hide but the tsunami is going to hit you eventually, so you might as well come out and spread, :)) Well neways, the story unfolds like this….It was a dark stormy night….hmmm, lemme digress a bit here. Do you fellas know that “It was a dark stormy night” has been voted as the wursht opening line of a novel ever and there is even an award instituted to select the worst opening line of a novel every year? Well neways, the legend has it that five men of men used to get together every night to eat oodles of hakka noodles and discuss fundamentally philosophical questions like, “Can Wolverine beat The Hulk and if yes then in how many rounds?” or even political issues like, “Can Beavis and Butthead be better presidents than Bush Sr and Bush Jr?” We used to debate, rant and rave like propah English gentlemen and never come to a conclusion. We followed some very strict rules like in any other GDs..We had rules like “no gouging out eyes with fingers”, “no hitting at balls with baseball bats or anything long, thick and made with wood” (we had to change the rule and add metal too after one of us used a long, metal rod and quoted our constitution and escaped punishment through a legal loophole). After such intense concussions, I mean discussions, we came to the conclusion that instead of dabbling in petty issues like morality, philosophy and life, we should marshal our intensely potent thoughts into formulating a philosophy which addresses the very fundamental question of “How to live Life like a MAN?”

So after long confabulations involving intense concussions and discussions, we unanimously decided that women are responsible for all the ills of the world. Why do you think they named the hurricane that hit New Orleans as ‘Katrina’ and not as some ‘Hurricane Peter’? Think, think. We have taken it up on ourselves to rescue MEN from eternal damnation from WOMEN. We are the vigilantes with a death wish and we are here to save. We decided that we are not gong to take anymore of this feministic crap from women who think that ‘Beijing’, ‘Cooking’ and ‘Fucking’ are cities in China. We have designated ourselves as Gods and decided that we have the moral right and authority to save men from becoming pusillanimous dickheads who blubber their way around like they have been hit by a 10,000 watt electric shock whenever they see a PYHT (PYHT – Pretty Young Hot Thing) in a white small skimpy top with pink bra halters showing, miniscully mini brown skirt, leather boots to boot and flashing a belly-button ring….slurrrrp slurrrrp….all this description has turned me into a blubbering idiot now, ;). Can somebody tell me where to find such PYHTs? Tampee…CONCENTRATE….Ok…boys, u get the idea, I guess? If a PYHT can turn a God into a whimpering puppy running around its mistress’s legs then imagine how much saving you guys need from, so that you can escape the impending intergalactic apocalypse in your lives. Its time to take stock if men are being turned into zombies by wild vile seductresses (puhllleeez, somebody gimme the address of atleast one vile seductress, I am desperate to turn into a whimpering puppy) and if they are being turned into puppies then its time to turn around and growl like Panthers…become MCPs…male Chauvinistic PANTHERS. Grrrrrr!!!

Since the enemy has been identified and the battle lines drawn, let me give you my first Sermon on the Mount (Hail the Sex Messiahs!!). Ok, before I start my sermon, lemme ask you an intelligent question (remember, I am from IIM A, all my questions are supposed to be intelligent). What is the dirtiest four letter word in the history of mankind? I know it’s hard but thinnkkk….wogay, lemme give you a hint here…think dirty. Dammit…it’s not FUCK…FUCK is the most beautiful word in the lexicon (The other Gods will someday give you fundaes about Fuck). Guys, you will never learn if you don’t start thinking dirrrty. Wogay…here is the answer… its LOVE.

Cardinal Rule Number One: NEVER EVER FALL IN LOVE

Let me give you an analogy here, falling in love is like digging a six feet deep pit, pouring manure in it, lying in the pit and covering yourself and then patting yourself on the back about what a wonderful thing you have done. Period. (Periods…uh..huh..huh..huh…now you know why they call me Tampee)

Falling in love is like getting a lobotomy done and then getting a Britannica Encyclopedia as a parting gift from the hospital.

Riddle me this….why would anybody want to fall in love? Why should you fall in love to get a woman? When you are in love, life flies by you like a series of discordant images at such breakneck speeds that it makes linear sane thoughts impossible. Why would anybody want to be in such a position?

Cm’mon guys, help me out here…I definitely know it’s a cardinal sin to fall in love but I can’t seem to think of more reasons here. I know it’s written in the constitution of LOL that we are not supposed to fall in love and we are just gonna blindly follow it.
Do lemme know if you more reasons NOT to fall in love, sounds good?

Cardinal Rule Number Two: GET LAID OR GET LOST

Take a printout of this rule in huge fonts, fonts as big as Pam Anderson’s titties and paste it on your bedroom walls. There is no tomorrow, tomorrow is for losers, its today. Turn yourself into a walking chickmagnet leaving behind heaps of women trailing behind you in torment, lust and heat. Zorro…yes, be like Zorro…leave your mark in thick milky white blotches where ever you go. Guys, I am being Al Pacino in ‘Any Given Sunday’, don’t take me literally and end up jerking off where ever you go so that you can leave your mark behind. That’s not what I mean. I am talking about marking the women you have touched in your life.

Think about it this way…”Every minute that a broad spends outside of your bed is a waste of time.” Time management is a funda that is thrown as freely as crap by any self-respecting “I know everything, I am gonna help you live your life” self-help writing authors. We gotta give these dimwits some credit here…time management is a crucial funda when it comes to getting laid. Now don those war paints, put on your rocketship Jockey Boxers, give a blood curdling war cry (when I say blood curdling, I mean blood curdling enough to stop even Chumms, hehe, gurls…I know now what Chums means…a lil cute fairy told me just a few days back) and get as many scalps as you can (btw, during all this excitement, please don’t forget to steer your steed to the chemist’s once to pick up the required rubbers)

(Guys, get back to me if you need more fundaes on this second rule)

More cardinal Rules to follow….and more of our strategies to defeat the enemy will be talked, enunciated and explored right here on this blog….

Guys, before I sign of for today, remember this simple little thing….Woman has been declared the enemy but we have to sleep with the enemy to win. So be a bit careful while handling them and treat them fairly and squarely. Remember that we are not supposed to stoop to the level of the enemy and mete to them the same treatment that they would reserve for us if we happen to become Prisoners of Love…oops, I mean War.